Moving time

I have moved:
http://nimbusnemus.blogspot.com

All old posts have been imported there.

Heath Ledger

No. No. I thought. I hate this.

I can't even explain the pain Brokeback Mountain evoked in me. It's so much worse with Heath Ledger dead, which was already painfully sad, because of the movie's ending.

I'm so sad. What a beautiful film. And yet it's a tragedy two times over.

I can't...think. I want to go cry over this, I really do.

Heath Ledger, my god, you should've lived.
I hate this.

I hate this.

Contemplations

So it's back to the old grind. Mother having a fit at me. Dad acting like a two year-old instead of being mature and letting me be a kid for once. Behind like hell in classes. No idea where my life is going.
Well, that's Friday for you.

AP European History will be my downfall yet. It's not that I couldn't get straight A's...it's just that I don't care. And I'm failing Biology, of all things, possibly my favorite class. I love the subjects...but I just don't do the work, and it's idiotic. I know it is, and yet I don't stop it because my life is so bland. I just have no inspiration.
And it's depression. But what does telling anyone help? Telling my parents in the past has resulted only in distrust and strict timelines every night. (Which is the equivalent of Chinese water torture to me, really. I effing hate it.) My closest friends aren't really my friends at all. My sister, my truest friend, shares depression, she's no inspiration. Not anymore.
I don't know where I'm going, but it's stupid. I expect that typing it out will show me some direction like it always does, but in this case there's only ever one thing to do: Get off my butt and work. But I don't want to. So I don't.

It's immature. I'm immature.

I just want a hobby or something. A distraction that I enjoy, but there's nothing. I'd love to walk through woods and think, but our woods house a black bear and her cubs, and is torturingly hilly, and hard to walk on. I'd love to arch, but where would the funds come from? We're not well off.

And as I contemplate all this my life gets steadily worse and worse. I need a light, a hope, something to inspire me, show me that life is truly a beautiful thing. But I lack that ray of light; I have my entire life, turning to the movies and books that would capture my heart for joy and emotion because my life lacked such experiences. But it was all hollow; the characters I loved are not real, the world I yearned for an imagining, and above all else, they were mostly just ploys for money, on the basic end of it.
So what inspires me? What captures my soul like nothing else? Is there anything?

Will there ever be anything?

Jokes

I can't even begin to describe how hard I laughed at this. At my own joke. How sad.

Me and my chimpy bretheren are gonna have a pimpin' Thanksgivin'.
LOL'ing. Oh man. God, that's funny.

I am dying, here.

MI-5, Matthew MacFadyen, andThe Road

Spoilers for season one of MI-5 (Spooks):
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It's completely sucked me in, like a drug. Today in class I sort of sailed through it all, thinking about that one last moment of season one, the two lovers looking at each other, knowing that it was going to end; it wrenched my heart out. I remember after seeing it, I just lay my head back and covered my eyes, because of the sheer emotional intensity.

The second season is fifty dollars, seventy normally; that a hell of a lot for a TV show, I mean really. It's the best thing I've seen in a while, but still. I'll be hard-put to convince my father that he should let me spend my money on that, even if I never watch the tele anyway.

The only reason I picked it up was because it stars Matthew Macfadyen, who played Mr. Darcy in the 2005 Pride & Prejudice. I've seen him in a few things now, and I have to say, he's really excellent. It's kind of a shame so few people in the US know about him, but I suppose if he did become a celebrity here, he'd eventually end up in shit movies, like everyone else. All the movies here are tragedies and cheesy superheros and romantic comedies.
Sigh. We have no artistic taste; I'm going to the UK, goddamnit.

I'm also reading The Road (Cormac McCarthy), which is not only depressing but revolutionary. It's incredibly thought-provoking, and unfortunately, the future it paints is only so far away.

Ciao for now.

She-beast Returns

I'm posting after over a year.

I've changed; reading through my posts shows me my own childishness. Now, having just turned sixteen, I'm a much more controlled person. Even throughout this year, I've come to notice that my face is sharper, from it being contorted in deep thought, often as not, or pain of some kind.
I've also developed a morbid curiosity about things that are dark and devious, yet not scary or evil. As I put in my 'about me', like a world of trees and birds and mist, where it was always dawn or midnight, but never bright. And lurking beings, animals, yet no violence between them; and pools, many clear, shallow pools. Just a calm, ancient, beautiful, dark world. I believe this all speaks of my growing seriousness.
I regret quitting art class now, because I've recently come to miss drawing. I take it up myself, but it's not that same as with a teacher, even a teacher such as I had. Since I did not write about it here, know I quit Art I halfway through freshman year for Journalism, because I was fed up with our teacher, who should be teaching Home Ec, not Art. It was immature. I take Ceramics now, but it's not the same. I sit down at the wheel to throw a pot and imagine drawing trees dancing; I knead the clay and think of the soft sound of charcoal against paper; I smell wet earth and think of the smell of paper, the smell of life. It's not a substitute; it's a miserable alternative.

Perhaps I'll change this blog's name. I do intend to keep up with it now, and I've been on livejournal, a messy alternative. Blogger is much cleaner.

Bye....

I hate to do this, but Chelsea won't get off of my blog.

I'm going to stop posting here, but I won't delete it.

Sorry to anyone that reads my blog besides my sister...she just won't go away, and I want my blog to be private.



*sigh* Sorry again....